I went on a second date with this guy I met online. He is a great guy, very gentlemanly, serious about following Jesus and kind. I’m just not super attracted to him but I thought that I would give him a second chance. I’m in this hard place right now with my own body. I am struggling with weight gain and compounding health issues. I would be frustrated with myself but I don’t know what I did wrong for this to be the case. I do all the right things. Yet, my body seems to hate me. I cry asking the Lord what am I to do. I listen to a ton of podcasts from functional medicine doctors and nutritionists and read books about keto, paleo, clean eating, the evils of sugar, and hormone health. I know and follow the advice from these sources. I eat clean, exercise and prioritize sleep. I know I sound like a broken record when I talk about my health and eating habits. I apologize. Sometimes I think this would be easier if I could blame myself. If that was the case I could make some sort of resolve and plan to fix it. But I don’t know what to do differently. I feel so out of control of my own body and that must be the most frustrating part of all. What do I do, blame God?
So, I am feeling unattractive and fat. I don’t understand why this guy wants to go out again and why he even thinks I’m pretty. But I agreed to go on this date with him. I figure that I can at least give him a second chance. Maybe a second look will change the way I feel. At this point I have already decided that this isn’t going anywhere. He lives a couple of hours north of me in Washington. So, to meet, we plan dates in Olympia Washington (it’s sort of in the middle). We planned a hike. A six mile hike. Some of my health issues involve a variety of stomach problems. After driving an hour and a half to get to the trailhead for the hike, I have diarrhea. I beat him there. That works about well. It gave me the opportunity to take care of business before he arrives. He arrives but I feel a little panicked about the hike. I don’t want to say that I need to go home after we both had a little bit of a drive to get there. We set off and I’m just hoping that everything will be okay.
The first half of the hike was okay. He kept offering me water and oranges. He brought a snack that I would enjoy. How sweet. I kept turning him down. I don’t want to eat anything that might stimulate movement. Three miles in I hunch over, freeze and put my hands on my sides. He’s confused. He asks if I need water. He asks if I want an orange. “No! No! I’m fine!” I say. He looks at me funny, “are you sure?” I need to go so bad! I don’t want to say that. But I realize that I need to communicate my needs with him. I finally say, “I need to use the bathroom.” He says, “Oh! No biggie, just pee in the woods.” Haha yeah… pee. He says that he will go up the trail further so he can’t see me. I go into the bushes. I’m taking a little longer than he expected and I hear him call out to me, “watch out for poison ivy! Are you okay?” I’m praying that I don’t get poison ivy up my butt. I called back, “Yeah, I’m fine.” Relieved and cleaned up the best I could, I rejoined him. We still had three miles to go to get back. My stomach improved some because it dried up without water or food for the entire hike. I felt embarrassed, exposed, and yucky for the rest of the hike. I did end up telling him what really was going on. He was so cool about it. He said, “I’m a therapist. I’ve heard it all. Stuff happens.”
Even after all that, at the end of the date he asked if I would be interested in going on a third date. Really! After I pooped in the woods. He must be a winner to be so understanding about my issues and still want to see me again. The thing is I don’t know if I want to. I feel so large next to him. He is 6’4” or at least that is what he said. I feel like he is closer to 6’2” and he seems so short when he is sitting. I sit tall. This makes me feel so awkward. He’s skinny but has a little bit of a gut and the beginnings of moobs. I know that appearances should not be that important but it’s hard to want to be with someone if you don’t even want them to hug you. I hate feeling large next to a man. I wonder if I would feel differently if I was feeling better about my body. My perception of how I appear may not even be accurate to what the rest of the world sees. Clearly it’s not what he sees.
Yet, this is where I am at. I’m praying for clarity and discernment in regards to him. I’m praying for healing and transformation over my health. I don’t blame God. I want to have an attitude of gratitude over the body that God gave me. I want to yield to his will over my body too. I don’t know what his plan and purpose is in allowing my body to put on weight. My body is broken and I feel cursed but in all that, I know that the Lord can use me to be his vessel of love and grace to a broken world. My weight does not make me less lovable or of less value. I need to repent of ascribing more value to what I weigh than I should have. I have questions that I don’t have answers to. I’m seeking the Lord with them. How now shall I live in this body that I have been given? Will I be okay if I don’t lose the weight?