I don’t like what is happening. I came to the realization the other day as I was talking to a friend about my moving plans, that I’ll be living for the first time in my old room without my sister. I’m moving back in with my parents and depending on the day, depends on how I feel about it. I grew up in that house, in that room since the time we moved in when I was 2 until I moved out at 21. That whole time I shared the space with Alona, my twinny! That was our room! I don’t want to live that space without her! I have started moving boxes over. It was weird looking in the empty closet and thinking about what I am going to fill it with. I remember when the shelves held boxes of Barbies and dress-ups. The walls of the room had pink strips and a doll board at the ceiling that my mom painted. The walls are now a beige color. The carpet is new. No longer is the carpet that we played on and held wedding ceremonies for our Barbies there. My sister gets to live in a house with her husband and I am returning to this space. This empty space that is very familiar but at the same time has changed.
I don’t understand what is happening. A year ago I graduated with my bachelors and I was living in Washington. I pursued Bible college not knowing what life at the end of it would be like or what God would have me do with my degree. This is not what I thought would be my reality. I trust that God is working even though I do not see it. I trust that my current state will not be forever. I hope that I do not have to wait long. I’m praying that God helps me do my best in every area of my life. I want to encourage others and glorify God.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like I am being punished! Did I expect some kind of reward or grand opportunity when I finished school, and this just isn’t measuring up to that? Maybe! I sometimes think that I can be proud of the fact that I paid my way through school without debt, graduated with honors, and am the only one in my whole family that has a four-year degree. But I did not do this on my own. By the grace of God that was accomplished, and it will be through his grace that I use my degree. He has a plan. This is not a punishment. It is just another part of his plan.