Regret

Over a year ago I met a man online and dated him for a brief time, five dates total. I ended the relationship for several reasons but since then have regretted the decision. I have a short list of qualities that I filter men through to see if they are someone I would want a relationship with. I call these things “My Five F’s” (Faith: serious about Jesus, Finances: responsible with money, Family: similar values, Fitness: values a healthy lifestyle, and Fun: similar interest). Online guy, Nathan, I discovered had them all. He was also kind and respectful.  Yet, during the time I was dating him I was overwhelmed and fearful of the thought of letting things move into a committed dating relationship. 

I don’t know why. I can’t seem to sort my emotions out any better today than I could at that time. Why did I let him go?  Was it my pride? I struggled with the fact that I met him online and had preached openly that I would never do the online dating thing. Was it out of fear of embarrassment? I didn’t want him to meet my friends and have them ask how we met. Was it out of fear? Fear that if I committed to dating him I would have regret? I was interested in a guy from church, Jeremy, (Jeremy doesn’t even meet 3 of my 5 F’s) but that wasn’t going anywhere. However, I thought that if I entered into a relationship with Nathan I might always wonder what could have been with Jeremy. As if, somehow Jeremy might come around if I just waited long enough. Well, he didn’t! 

As we dated I began to fear that I was going in too deep and started to back off. I wouldn’t reply to text and would tell him I was busy if he wanted to hang out. I texted him and told him that all of this overwhelmed me and that I had feelings for someone but wasn’t dating him. He was very gracious in his response and recommended taking things slow and even taking a break for a while. We went out one more time. We talked a little bit more after that and then I blocked his number from my phone and removed him from my contacts. At the time it was a relief. I brought my life back to the state it was in before I meet him. However, memories cannot be blocked as easily as one blocks a number in a phone. 

For a brief moment, after this, I thought things with Jeremy were finally going to move forward. I was wrong. It didn’t work out. Friends of mine even told him that I was, “head over heels for him.” He did nothing. He’s silence was my answer. 

When I made the decision to end things with Nathan I had hoped that something would work out with Jeremy. However, I was more convinced that I would just end up with neither. I knew that if things with Jeremy didn’t work out, it wouldn’t be fair to return to Nathan. He shouldn’t be treated like a plan B. 

Last summer, months after I stopped talking Nathan, I looked him up on Facebook. To my surprise he had a girlfriend. Never in the scenarios that ran through my mind did I imagine him with someone else. This is where my heart was sinful with pride. Did I think so highly of myself that I thought I would be in a relationship before he found someone new? I thought surely I would have more opportunities and options for that to happen for me than for Nathan. Well, I was wrong and not only wrong but alone. I prayed that they would break up. I would deactivate my Facebook for a couple of months and then check back. Still they were together. Now they are engaged and getting married on the 19th of July.

Now, I regret the choice I made and wish I responded differently. I wish I could go back and change what I did and just go for it. There is no shame in meeting a great guy online. There is no embarrassment in it either. I wouldn’t need to regret meeting a great guy. But no, I turned down a great guy, a sure thing, someone who really liked me and expressed his interest and intentions in a godly way, for the dream of something that left me disappointed. I’m comforted in the truth that God can take broken things and fix them. That even if I made a mistake, it doesn’t mess up God’s plan for my life. God is the same even when I am fickle. The best I can do now is commit all these things to prayer and trust and obey. I can’t make choices that will change the past but I can do my best today to make choices that are good and honoring to the Lord. 

Maybe I just want my situation right now to be different as I am still single and didn’t think I would be. Also, I am facing a move and do not know where I will live. If I was the one that was getting married this summer, that problem would be solved. Or would it? When I think like that, where is my trust that the Lord is the one that solves my problems? I think I just want right now to be different and I think if I did things differently back then, they would be. However, the Lord may still have someone for me and a home for me but it’s not time yet. I think I made a mistake because I can’t see now how things are going to work out later.

2 thoughts on “Regret

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