I Complicate My Own Life Sometimes

As I have gotten older the frequency of people suggesting online dating to me only increases. If you have ever had a conversation with me about online dating, you would have heard me preach about how I would never try it. I held and might even still hold the opinion that people who do it are desperate and there is nothing but creepy men on dating sites. Whenever, this option is suggested to me I could feel my heels dig into the ground as I strongly resist that option. NO! I am not going to do the online dating thing. That is not going to be my story. God does not need me to go online to give me a husband!

Ironically, coffee date guy from my last blog, I met online. This is how I complicate my own life. I go on this site one night while babysitting. I was waiting for the kid to go to sleep and was bored. I thought it might be fun. It was a social experiment. I went on this site in Reno and it confirmed what I believed about online dating. Now, I’m here in Washington, new territory, new men. I wanted to compare the experience. Then, I swipe right for this guy who recently ran his first half marathon, says he’s a Christian and is over 6 feet tall. We start messaging back and forth with very substantial conversation. He’s pretty cool. He admires my questions and judiciousness. He wants to meet me. I turn him down. He respects my pace and tells me that when I ready to meet to let him know. I contemplate this because it’s one thing to just message back and forth. If we stop, things can go back to normal with very little damage done. But you can’t take back meeting someone. I consider it and then choose to meet him. That’s when the coffee date happened. It was fun, not awkward (like I imagined), great conversation and a two and a half hour long date. Since then we have gone on a hike, had lunch, and seen a movie. He wanted to do something this weekend but I declined and use the weather as an excuse. He’s great and I’m thinking, judging by what he tells me and the fact that he keeps wanting to see me, that he sees a future with me. Ahh! Crap! Now I am getting too deep into this experiment. This is someone’s life. I can’t play with that. I need to tell him that he’s great but I don’t feel the same way. I did this to myself. Now I need to have this hard conversation.

Maybe it’s the fact that I met him online or maybe it’s due to the fact that I like someone else but whatever the source of my lack of feelings for him is, I just can’t keep this up. It does seem odd to me that I’m not interested when logically I think that I should be. I have discredited feelings when I think about what I want in a man. I should add another “f” to my list, feelings. How important is attraction and what level of attraction should be present when considering dating someone? Should I wait this one out a little longer in hope that feelings develop? I do not know. Why does this have to feel so complicated?

In the mean time the guy that I do like does nothing to communicate interest. There are little things that he does and if I read into them we are destined to be married. His best friend doesn’t get it either. He thinks he should talk to him and basically say, “Hey! What’s your deal? You like her. Go for it!” He was going to talk to him yesterday but like plans with coffee date guy didn’t happen due to the weather, so their conversation didn’t happen either. I’m a little disappointed. I am trying to have the right perspective. God doesn’t need his friend to talk to him in order to make something happen. Maybe that will be the tool that propels this forward. If not, that is okay.

Through these events, I have come to the conclusion that God does not need me go online to find a man but he may have a good one on a dating site. One, I would not have met otherwise. God does not need someone to call out his friend in order to for him to finally make a move. However, that may be what he needs. I believe God has a plan. What we do can be used as tools in the grand scheme or we are just fools trying to make things happen that shouldn’t. It’s hard to know what’s right. Waiting is hard. The desire to try to manipulate things is strong. For now the best thing for me to do is wait on knees and ask for wisdom.

I Don’t Like Him Back!

There must be some psychological reason for this. I seem to have a habit of liking the guys that don’t ever like me back. Why do I continue to hold out in hopes that one day things will suddenly change. It’s almost as though I find it attractive that they don’t. Then, there are those who do like me right away and I don’t know what to do with that. It freaks me out, I wonder why, and then I resist their attention. Even when it is a guy that makes perfect sense I don’t know what to do with it. And when I say makes sense, I mean he meets my “Five F’s”.

I have what I call my “Five F’s”. These are the five different categories that I mentally filter a guy though if I’m considering him. Faith, family, food/fitness, fun, and finances are the different areas that make up my five “F’s”. As I get to know someone, observe him and ask pointed questions, I see how well he lines up to the “F’s”. Under each category there is a range. If he is not too far off then he meets my standard for that “F”. I want to know how serious a guy is about his faith, how important family is to him, if the value of health and eating vegetables are present at all in his life, what he does for fun, and if he is financially responsible. If a guy likes me and all he eats is pizza, plays only video games and never goes outside, has tons of debt, and Jesus is a second thought; then our lifestyles would not collide well.

I recently meet someone. We meet for coffee and talked for two and a half hours at the coffee shop. From what I learned about him, I would say he was a match according to my “Five F’s”. But internally I was like, “Yeah, he’s nice, taller than me, smart, good job, likes running, serve the Lord, and loves his family but I’m really not that interested. I think I like someone else.” He makes sense! What is wrong with me? I know! I’m still stuck on someone who I hope will suddenly decide that he likes me and makes a move. My coffee date clearly likes me or at least I think so because he wants to continue seeing me. Its fun but I have a hard time thinking of him as anything more than a friend. I like this other guy more. A guy, I have liked for awhile but nothing ever happens with him. This is why I think there must be some psychological explanation.  Have I just let myself get emotionally attached to the one guy and can’t seem to let go? The one I really like doesn’t even meet all my “F’s” like coffee date guy and yet I’m okay with that.

This seems like something that you see in movies. The girl goes for the guy that she feels all the emotions for and not the one that makes logical sense. I have always been under the belief that we should not make these kinds of decisions based on emotions. Emotions are fleeting and love is a choice. Even in a marriage that last a lifetime the two individuals won’t always feel romantic emotions for each other. I’m struggling to sort out my belief about emotions with my actual emotions in this situation. I’d almost rather sacrifice what I think for what I feel. The one that I really like is not a bad choice but maybe the other one would be better. I’m just not feeling it. O Lord make me wise! I need clarification here! I think this is just something that I am going to have to sort on while on my knees in prayer!

I Spent a Week on a Dating App…

I spent one week on a dating app. It was a social experiment. If you know me, you know that I have no interest in online dating. I know people that have used online dating and it worked great. For me, I have made the choice not to use it as an avenue to find love. During my time on the app my intentions were to learn about how people try to sell themselves and maybe learn something about myself. Essentially the first impression from people’s profiles are what moves the other person to either “swipe left” (rejecting them) or “swipe right” (expressing interest). What I liked about the app that I was on, was that the ladies are the ones who initiate and send the first message. Guys can’t send out a message first. I did not want creepers messaging me. I also didn’t really want to talk or meet anyone. My account was purely for science.

It was amazing to me how many men used the same kind of statements in their bios. Most of the men want a “Partner in crime,” “good vibes,” and someone with their “Sh*t together.” So, if I want to commit felonies with a hippie attitude (but I must have my life together), I would make a great option for these men. It also amazed me at how they tried to sell themselves. Maybe I’m just a breed of my own but the top things on my list were not mentioned in their bios. Maybe some girls really want a man who kills spiders. I personally enjoy seeing a spider out in nature (not in the house). Some are beautiful and make stunning webs. And who doesn’t want a man who is good at cracking “dad jokes” and has a great “dad bod”? At least they are honest about how they are built. That is important for some girls to know. However, there was a large number of the men who emphasized that fitness is important to them. I’m all about being healthy and fit but it’s a bit much when a guy states that they want a girl with a “tight light waist.” Thanks for being honest guys!

Most of them also listed their height, which for this Amazon woman, is very important to know. They usually made some kind of comment about why they included it. Which, it usually was due to the fact that they get asked. So, my guess is they updated their bios after being asked a number of times.

Most of them don’t like it when girls use photos with filters such as the filters that add things like bunny ears. I would never choose to use photos like that. I want to look real. They apparently want to see the real deal too but hopefully my waist is tight enough?

After a week I felt that I had compiled enough information. But honestly, I was annoyed, and my eyes were starting to bug me from looking at the quick motion on the screen from constantly swiping left. There were barely any men on that app that I would have been interested in. Actually, the app told me I ran out of people. The men that are shown are based on your location. So, I guess I eliminated all the men in Reno and should move back to Washington. If my science experiment proved anything, it proved that there is no one here for me or that I am just too picky. My plan is just to let God take care of this area of my life. In the mean time I will keep “dating” my running schedule and preparing for the half marathon that I am going to run in a week! My commitment to my running feels like a relationship or another full-time job. If I ever meet a man that I could be interested in, he’ll have to be able to keep up.

I Became Friends With A Homeless Woman…

The other day Facebook reminded me of an event that happened while I was living in Washington. This was one of the craziest things that has ever happened to me. God’s hand in my life and His amazing ability to orchestrate time and space is the only way I can explain this.

I posted on Facebook on July 26, 2017 about how I saw a homeless woman in Vancouver, Washington on my way to work. However, the significance of this woman was I knew her when I was still in Reno. I never thought that I would see her again and yet while driving on 78th street in Vancouver, Washington, I see her on the side of the road with the same bags of luggage that she always carried. I could not believe it! I pulled over and ran to her. She was so startled to see me. I think that she must have thought that I was stalking her. She asked me what I was doing here. I asked her the same. The answer was the same, we both had moved. However, the reasons why and how were different. I was finishing school, living as a live-in nanny, and working. She hitched hiked, took the bus and ended up there. Of all the places that she could have ended up, she lands in the same corner of the world that I was residing in.

Let me further explain my history with this woman. My heart for the homeless has not been as tender as it is now. A big shift in my feelings took place after taking a class on the prophets while I was in Bible College. I realized more than before that God has a heart for the oppressed and outcast of society. My heart became sensitive to the homeless people I saw on the side of road. On my route to and from home, I consistently would see the same homeless woman standing at the intersection with a sign asking for help. Not being content with just giving her a hand out and wanting her to know that she is valuable because she is created by God, I stopped to talk to her. I approached her and asked if she was hungry and wanted to go to the Taco Bell that was right there. She stared at me. At first, I thought maybe she couldn’t speak. She probably was stunned by the offer? She asked me why I wanted to spend time with her. I told her that I believe that she is created by God and therefore should be treated with dignity and that I wanted to get to know her because I love her. With that, she agreed to dinner but only if I was hungry (I wasn’t but didn’t want to miss this opportunity. So, I lied and said I was.) Our time at Taco Bell was educational for me and moved my heart to care more for the homeless. I learned about her life, the events that lead to her becoming homeless and what it is like to be homeless. My heart broke over the stories she shared. Especially, about how she is treated now. People spit at her, call her names, and steel her stuff while she sleeps. She buys body spray at the Dollar Store because she doesn’t want to stink. I didn’t know that a homeless person would care about that. I was wrong. She is human and wants to gain some dignity for herself by not smelling.

After our first Taco Bell date it became a thing. Every Monday and Wednesday at 6 pm I would meet her at the intersection for dinner. I loved it. I loved her. One day, she stopped showing up. It broke my heart. For a while it discouraged me from trying to reach out to the homeless community. Why? You love them, and they leave. However, we are called to love whether it is returned or whether we think it is deserved. God gave me the gift of seeing her again on that beautiful Summer day as I drove to work 600 miles away from where I first met her. To me this seems impossible that we were to ever cross paths again. But God moved!

As I am in this place in my life, where I am sorting things out and trying to figure out where I belong, I am encouraged by this. God has me right where he wants me for a greater purpose than I can see or understand. He is moving in my life and I will be in the place that he calls me to at the time that he wants me there. That may be here, and in the future, it may be Washington. I’m hoping for the later. In the mean time I will continue to wait. There are moving parts that haven’t settled yet and questions unanswered. There are hurting and oppressed people who need love. While I am not always content with where I am currently at in my life, I’m blessed with a home, friends, family, daily food, and more than I deserve. I have received more love from God, far from what I deserve. Hopefully, I’m sharing that same kind of unconditional love to all wherever I’m at.